Monday, December 27, 2010

I'm Going to Nicaragua

This is a random image to show you the geography.

That's correct. I am going with a group from my church. We are going to get a house built, and help at an orphanage. I've never been on a foreign mission trip before.

I am going because a group from my church goes frequently, I want to help out, see our church's Nicaraguan friends, and I haven't had an adventure for a while :)

Correction: That there was an orphanage is incorrect. It was a school.
(2 and a half weeks after original post)

Monday, December 20, 2010

What Fun: A Christmas Poem

After the ebb of sunset, here at twilight
A single pale horse and I make our journey dashing through the snow
Laughing, I go o’er graveyards and hallowed ground
Laughing all the way
Hear the requiem bells. They peal for thee
The luminaries hiss and show themselves—the specters and the spirits of those fallen before
What fun it is to ride and sing a slaying song tonight

Sunday, November 28, 2010

My Take on Santa

Santa Claus is a vandal and a pervert who spreads lies and materialism in the form of fraudulent gift boxes stuffed by undernourished sweatshop workers.He must be found and stopped at all costs. Let us blow him out of the sky such that his organs splatter across three counties, and the reindeer crash in a great heap—all lying on top of each other: Dasher on top of Dancer on Prancer on Vixen on Comet on Cupid on Donner on Blitzen.

Thanks to Patrick Proctor for the image.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Pie Day: The Day Before Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving and Pie Day to all my readers (All three of you).
Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. It's my thing to make the pumpkin pie this time of year. It has secret fame. It is less pumpkin pie, however, than its pumpkin flavored pie, what with all the eggs and cream and sugar that's in it. Seriously, does pumpkin taste good on its own? No. That's why we make pies out of it.

This pumpkin pie took me 6 hours and 45 minutes to make. We ran into issuesI and a friend who were making 2 pies today. I thought I had enough flour. I was sorely mistaken. We had to navigate past the other schmucks who illy prepared for Thanksgiving.

Once back in the kitchen my friend knocked out 2 crusts. I ruined one, and he ruined the other.

Finally, though, the pie became a success.
I had a cool Pie Day

Friday, October 29, 2010

3G on Mount Everest. More dead climbers.

Welcome to 2010. There is now 3G coverage all the way up to the summit of Mount Everest.

Now, regular mobile phones can go where only satellite phones once could. And those satellite phones could only do voice (Like I said: welcome to 2010).

However, with all the features of modern phones comes mountaineer blogging,
Look, Ma, I'm up so high!
douche-bags talking into thin air with their bluetooth headsets, 
And then I says to that coyote, "No, that's MY cliff bar!"
who the hll nds snry? im txtng n a Fn MNTN
and (of course) sexting.
I haven't climbed Mt. Everest myself (yet), but I think it requires a great deal of focus and all the blood possible to the brain. Consciousness is a good thing. People who climb Everest already risk passing out and dying because of the low partial-pressure of oxygen. NOW, they have the most awesome distraction there ever could be: sexting on Mount Everest.

I hope they have corpse crews making their rounds on the trails.

Story from UPI
Picture stolen from CSmonitor

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Ouch! Does it Hurt Being so Dumb?

Apparently it does. This has been a question that I often suppress asking various people.

A woman in Arizona mistook a bottle of superglue for eye drops. If you want more details, follow the link.

Why was her superglue not in a toolbox, or (in her case) an arts-and-crafts cupboard?

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Dinner for Schmucks: A Film to be Ignored

This is a love story whose trailers disguised it as a hilarious comedy that only Steve Carell can bring. Steve Carell wasted his time.

This film included: comedy (as advertised), slapstick, sentiment, love, sympathy, and reconciliation. In the words of Steve Carell as Michael Scott from The Office, quoted by Dwight Schrute, "K.I.S.S. Keep it simple, Stupid." When a film incorporates too many aspects, it tends to make the viewer look at his/her watch.

There were some Laugh Out Loud funny parts to the film that I can't undercut, but the sentiment contained within made me disbelieve the comedy. The comedy was so strong, and the sentiment was so sad that the film opposed itself.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

#ICE: In Case of Emergency


Oh no! Your head is cracked like an Easter egg on the pavement in front of the downtown lingerie store, having collided with a Beamer whilst riding your bicycle.

The ambulance takes you to the hospital, but all you had in your fanny-pack was your cell phone, so they don't know who you are (And neither do you, because you're knocked out, have amnesia, or are dead).

Fortunately, the doctors (or, in your case, the orderlies) know just who to call. At the top of your contacts list is #ICE.

The number sign just brings the In Case of Emergency number to the top.

Program it call your mom or something.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Tie your shoes properly

How many times has this happened to you?
You're walking down the sidewalk, and all of a sudden you feel your shoe getting all loose. You look down to discover that your bow has come undone!
And if you kneel down to tie it back up you know it will just come undone again, so you tie a double-knot with the "rabbit ears," and that ends up securing the whole thing.
But then when the time comes that you have to take off your shoes, you have that double-knot in the way, and it's really annoying to untie that and then pull on the two strings (especially since that whole mess can be easily avoided).

One day I happened upon (actually Stumbled Upon) Ian Fieggen's shoelace site. It's a magical land where you can add some pazazz (wow I can't believe I just said pazazz) to the way you lace your shoes. While I don't have much a need for special ways to lace my shoes (see the photo above, it's impossible to lace this shoe in any other way) I much appreciated the insight I found regarding shoelace tying.

The knot you see in the photo is called "Ian's Secure Knot," or the "Double Slip Knot" (Yes, that's my foot sporting this very knot in the spring grass).
This knot will withstand a battle with ninjas (At least after they've killed you, you shoes will still be on). It does not come loose for ANYTHING (except to be gently pulled by its strings....obviously). What I'm getting at is that the knot has a ton of friction within itself. Much more than the standard knot we teach young children.
Just think, most of us are using the same technique we learned when we were 4 or 5.

So please, click the link.....And try this ridiculous knot. It will save you hours of frustration (tallied up at the end of your life).